Confidence, your personal history and the enchanted garden…

So you may wonder what the connection is between your current confidence levels, your past experiences and an enchanted garden… All will be revealed soon… Keep reading!

When I’m training or coaching, I seem to hear this common theme especially amongst many women:-

“I find it hard to say no..”

“I sometimes worry what others think of me..”

“There are times when I doubt myself, I don’t believe in myself..”

“I sometimes don’t speak my mind for fear of rocking the boat or the reaction I may get..”

“I avoid confrontation at all costs..”

“I worry unnecessarily…”

“I feel nervous when speaking to a group of people when all eyes are on me…”

“I’m worried about getting it wrong…”

You get the idea. And the list goes on….

About 5 years ago, I was in the above situation. My confidence level was pretty average. In certain contexts it was higher and in other contexts it was lower. Some of the time I believed in myself and some of the time I didn’t. I frequently was plagued with self-doubt, not believing in my own abilities. My ‘theme’ was always putting other peoples’ wants before my own, being unable to say ‘no’ because I didn’t want to let others down and would frequently sacrifice my own needs for the sake of keeping everyone else happy and for fear of rocking the boat. A very unfulfilling place to be as I basically ‘forgot’ about my own needs, wants and desires. And then it all changed 5 years ago when I discovered….   (I think I’ll continue this bit in the next article!)  Oh I know, I know, keeping you in suspense! :-)  It’ll be worth it, I promise!

So where was I? Oh yes. Now consider the following statements. What would happen when you are self-assured and have a strong self-belief and what would it feel like, even if you had to pretend?

…comfortably expressing yourself and speaking your mind (tactfully where possible!)

…easily asking for what you want and going for what you desire (ethically!)

…being more assertive

…no longer putting up with a second rate situation

…no longer worrying about what others think of you.

…no longer worrying unnecessarily

…developing a healthy mindset and a positive way of thinking

…comfortable being yourself and feeling content inside

…feeling good about yourself.. valuing yourself… believing in yourself

I can tell you from experience having been through the whole process myself, from lacking in self-belief to becoming totally confident, it feels AMAZING! That’s what being in the enchanted garden feels like but more on that later..:-)

Confidence can be highly contextual and confidence levels can fluctuate. For example, some may be confident at work or in business but not in relationships. Or vice versa. Or confident socially but not so much at work or in business. Or vice versa. The most common scenario I seem to encounter with people who seek help for confidence boosting is feeling reasonably confident some of the time in certain situations and other times not. The most fulfilling and healthiest place to be is to be confident all the time in all situations – that’s when you have total self-confidence and total self-belief. Of course, we all have our ‘off’ days – me included – it’s called being human! And you can have an ‘off day’ and keep your confidence intact.

What is confidence? Having high self esteem, healthy self-worth, feeling good inside, valuing yourself, self-assurance, self-belief, self-trust and feeling secure in yourself. Phew that’s a lot of words! That’s what confidence means to me and what does having total confidence mean for you?

Firstly, let me just say that being totally confident has absolutely nothing to do with arrogance or being ‘full of it’. Arrogance in a person in many cases is usually a type of belief pattern and behaviour which often masks a deep insecurity or feelings of inadequacy. Arrogance is often a front to disguise those deep-rooted, often unconscious feelings and beliefs.  Other times arrogance can be just an unfortunate lack of social and people skills!

You can be totally confident and be a really nice, kind and caring person with it and that is what I would always advocate! :-)

Anyway, what does your past history and your beliefs have to do with how you feel about yourself and how confident you feel? The answer is in the garden and I will tell you in the next article where your enchanted garden awaits….

Until then, bye for now :-)

Love, Desi x

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